How To Escape A Monster

Some time ago, I wrote this blog on my MySpace page, after having watched the movie The Hills Have Eyes. These people did everything wrong. I mean, usually in horror movies they screw stuff up all the time, but this was unbelievable. It inspired me to write this helpful guide, based largely on the circumstances in the movie. I hope, if you're ever in a situation where you must escape from a mutant human monster, that this guide will help you to escape with your life.
1.) Try not to split up. It is much easier for the monsters to pick off individuals than to attack large groups. And please do not wander off unnoticed into the darkness to investigate a noise. This will only lead to your death, and the deaths of those who will then feel compelled to find and rescue you.
2.) When you are running desperately for your getaway car, check the back seat before you get in. Chances are, the monster, or one of the monster's close friends, is lying in wait there to garrotte you, or kill you in another horrible way. Here's another vehicle-related tip: while waiting for the car to turn over (because it never will if you're trying to get away) do yourself a favor and lock the doors. Yes, the monster may break open a window, but they generally have difficulty fitting through the hole, which will give you time to escape or to stick something pointy in its eye.
3.) If you find your pet horribly mutilated by some sort of creature, share this information with your companions. You may think you're being considerate by not upsetting them, but this is need-to-know information.
4.) If you are going to rescue a member of your group from the monsters, it is recommended that you go with more volatile weapons than a baseball bat, especially when you are walking straight into their village.
5.) Do not hesitate. If you come upon a creature eating the dead body of your mother, do not stop to gasp in horror. This will give the monster time to notice your presence and to realize that it would like something fresher to eat. Shoot the monster and grieve later. Likewise, if you are trying to sneak past the monster and catch a glimpse of it, do not stand horror-struck and stare fixedly at the back of its head. Rather, quickly and quietly move past the monster, and panic later.
6.) Do not drop your weapon. If you do, quickly find something that will suffice as a weapon to replace the first one. But do not drop your weapon, and most importantly do not leave your weapon sticking out of the monster's dead body. The monster is not dead, and will pull the weapon out of itself and kill you with it.
7.) Speaking of weapons, if the monster is apparently dead, do not leave its weapon next to its body. It is not dead, and will regain consciousness, pick up its weapon, and bash your head in. Instead, take its weapon, which is probably superior to your own, and use it in addition to yours(which hopefully you have not dropped) for further monster-killing.
8.) Booby-traps are fun, but you shouldn't booby-trap your only source of shelter, food and water to explode.
9.) Lastly, do not relax until you are back in normal civilization. This means a busy police station. This does NOT mean the back of the friendly local sheriff's car. The friendly sheriff either a) is about to eat it, or b) was in on the whole thing from the beginning, and is about to deliver you back into the hands of the monster.
I hope this guide has been informative, and sincerely pray that the information contained therein will help you to avoid death, should you find yourself in a horror movie situation.

No Life But The Writer's Life

I just took the dog outside and noticed it's looking a little cloudy. Is there rain in the forecast? I wouldn't know.
See, nowadays I come home from work, start up my computer, and work for another four hours or so. Jacquelyn Sylvan's my name, getting you to know it is my game. I'm writing articles and blogs and press releases, all so I can make sure that, when my book comes out in January, you'll recognize my name, and buy it.
Not that I'm complaining...I'm actually starting to see some progress, which has alleviated some of the deep-seated oh-my-god-i'm-never-going-to-make-it terror which permanently resides about a quarter-inch beneath my breastbone. Now, when I Google myself (I know, pathetic, ain't I?) I get nearly two full pages of writing-relevant results on myself, and almost the same on my book title.
I'm nowhere near relaxing, though. Au contraire, I still have another book I'm writing, waiting to hear back on a query, still trying to book libraries for creative writing workshops, continuing to search for fodder for articles, and fighting with the local papers to actually publish the press releases I'm sending them.
But it's okay, because Google knows who I am.

Oh Good...Fresh Juice On OJ

Why, why, why can’t OJ just behave? Why can’t he stop killing people and holding people up so I can get some real, actual news on my television, rather than watch his idiot butt get carted across Las Vegas? Why do I have the horrible feeling the Simpson trial of the nineties is about to begin its encore presentation?
This is what I fear…we’re going to have another televised Simpson trial, because some idiot at one or more of the network stations is going to remember what a good idea that was. And of course, for those of us who are, ahem, unfortunate enough to miss the trial during the day, the evening news will happily play us dramatic snippets of it all night.
We’ve already got one news story that dominates dramatically; the Iraq war. But we never actually find out anything significant about the war. All we know is that three more soldiers died today in an explosion just outside Baghdad. Three more kids, who signed up for college money, dead in the sand.
Okay, so…done with depressing story number one. Depressing story number two…the election. It’ll be uplifting at first, since we’ll be reminded that a certain someone will be leaving a certain white house on Pennsylvania Avenue very soon. However, once the field has been narrowed, and the primaries done (Hilary vs. Giuliani, in case you were wondering), the mudslinging will begin, and soon we will be reminded that not only some, but all politicians are scum, in addition to once again being forced to forget there are any political parties in America other than Democrats and Republicans.
And in the third ring of our circus, the totally fresh, totally live, complete-with-new-charges OJ Simpson Trial! Yes, friends, step up and marvel at the Human Eel, guaranteed to sssslip out of federal prison no matter what the charges, and then write a book about it!
Behind these three rings will be a few very small people, waving placards with things like, “Rape Used As Weapon In Congo,” “Chinese Government Hacks Pentagon,” “Slavery In Mauritania,” “Coral Reefs Bleached By Global Warming,”…ya know, that sort of thing. But you won’t be able to see the people, or read their signs, because of the leaping, twirling acrobatics of Donald Rumsfield, Hilary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, and OJ Simpson.

Don't look! Sick pigeon!

I'm out with my friend Rose today, dropping info for my upcoming Creative Writing Workshop off at the Lehighton Area Memorial Library, and cruising town looking for community bulletins to put flyers up on. We're walking to my car in the parking lot of Giant, when suddenly Rose claps her hand to the side of my face, like a blinder, and shouts, "Don't look! Sick pigeon!" She, like most of my friends, knows that I have a animal rescue compulsion.
So, of course, I fight her off, and see the poor little bird huddled against the tire of a nearby car. I walk over and pick it up, and stand for a moment looking rather helpless with my hands full of pigeon before the helpful cart boy runs to get me a box.
Rose having gotten over her slight disappointment (a boxed pigeon in the back of my car means that no, we won't be going to Payless), we now embark on a grand adventure to the Carbon County Environmental Society, where we meet Rachel, the uber-friendly and sweet volunteer (and whatever energy drink she's on, I have GOT to get) who, as a token of appreciation for bringing in the pigeon, introduces us to Peggy Sue, the one-winged Saw Whet owl. Saw Whet owls are about the size of a softball, and about half of that is head and eyeballs. The look definitely worked for Peggy, though.
Just goes to show, you never know where the day will take you.

How little I know...

The biggest lesson I've learned thus far in 2007 has been how little I know. Take today, for example. I sprained my hip about a week and a half ago, and the doctor recommended hip strengthening exercises to keep it from happening again.
So, I go into my gym today to start easing back into working out. I'm a fairly fit individual (spontaneous granny-type injuries notwithstanding) and I know a fair bit about exercise, but I figure, what the heck, I'll ask for hip exercise recommendations. Now, the girl behind the desk is this teeny, bebopping, blonde-ponytailed little thing who looks all of twelve. I'm like, yeah, she's gonna know anything (forgetting, as I think this, that I am a teeny, bebopping, almost-blonde-ponytailed little thing who looks all of twelve). She immediately hops up and shows me a series of exercises which, in addition to actually working, completely kicked my butt.
My point is, I rely too much on my assumptions. I think just because I know something about something, I know more than the next guy. And just because this girl looks like she should be downing beer funnels in Cancun with her sorority sisters, it doesn't mean she's not an intelligent young woman who knows a heck of a lot about exercise. A heck of a lot more than me, obviously.
So, my pre-New-Year's resolution...stop assuming. Stop looking at people and thinking I know who they are, just because I see what they look like.

The beginning...

Hello! I'm Jacquelyn Sylvan (call me Jackie), author of a YA Fantasy novel called Surviving Serendipity, taking the world by storm in January 2008. This, obviously, is my blog. Please bookmark, and check back frequently...not only will you find book and author event updates, but my own personal quirky thoughts and diatribes, your window into the strange and sometimes frightening world which exists deep inside my grey matter.
If you're looking for even more, be sure to sign up for my email newsletter, Serendipitous Tidings, by emailing me at jacquelynsylvan@sylvaniamania.com.
Great to have you aboard!